Strange. I always thought of my life to be a vast empty space. It got cheerful when I started to have friends during the last year at school. I have always been moody and grim at most of the times. I am not the best of person to be with when someone needs comforting words. I don't speak much so one can almost consider me a as a dumb person. The inclusion of friends into my life has changed my life a lot.
With friends coming to my life, I become more cheerful (still less talkative), at least I felt a ray a happiness coming to my darkest part of my heart. My time with my friends has been more cheerful than the ones with my family. Those golden ages at Benhur's house, Daniel's house, Adil's house, 18/11, Topa's house, Sats' house, Manoj's house gave me the most happiest moments in my life. I ll cherish those days for many more years to come. The problem starts there, if you stay the same way (being all alone and keeping it to yourself) all the time, you wont have to worry about the pain about separation from them, but once you get used to that and when the time comes for separation, it pains a lot and it remains forever.
The two years in Finland might have given me the pleasure of touring Europe, but it came at a cost where I was totally cut off from my friends. I missed a lot of my friends wedding and other functions. I had some consolation of being with my friend. Well then I get married and now I got to move very far away from my friends. I might not have the usual meet with my friends during the weekend, not much movie and not much enjoyment. Life drags to my old self where I was without any friends.
As I start my new journey in my life, my priorities are changed which forces me to sacrifice certain things which are closer to my heart. I cannot fathom the reality that I am going to move out of the current locality which has given me so much beautiful experience. I dont know where life drags me on from here, I dont want to think about the future and just enjoy the present for as long as I can. I may lose out on enjoying this locality, but I take with me my glorious thoughts about the time I had here and the pain of leaving it behind.
It has been eternity since I wrote on this blog. This post is exclusive about a friend whom I would miss from the rest of my life. It was a time when we knew little about the world outside. The only world we knew was our own world, our School. Our mind had little of our current hatred and anger, we were free from worldly troubles, the only trouble we had were mostly homeworks and tuition. I moved from a school called Metro matriculation to Loyola Matriculation School during my first standard, little friends I had and my routine was finish school and going back to tuition. My life was even more confined to studies and little amount of play. In fact, I knew no one from school as a friend, I spoke hardly with anyone. There was only one guy whom I spoke well, his name was Sam Jacob Phillips. In a nutshell, he was a genius, he was the class leader, always gets the first rank in class, wins the general proficiency during the school end awards. One can say that he was the Sachin Tendulkar or Michael Jordan of our class (he was not much into sports though). I will cherish the days I had spent with him in School. We had a common problem, we had allergies to shoes (we both were scared of geckos in the bathroom), so we both were exempted from wearing shoes in School, probably that might have made us come closer, I am not sure. He was very kind to me. He used to make up ghost stories for me (he was a highly talented guy, he told believable ghost stories even at 2nd standard) and the protagonist were Andrew, James and Jones.I still remember the weapons that they used, Andrew used a long sword, James used a gun which used coins as bullets and Jones used his bare hands. I forgot most of the stories, but the image of the heroes still linger in my mind. He even used to draw the weapons in his note book. I just sit in awe and listen to those beautiful stories. I wonder whether the characters were inspired from the Bible, I ll never know. Every year, I wanted to sit near him (sometime I miss sitting near him). Every year when the time of the school tour comes, he is the one who calls my home for permission from my parents. He was my guide in everything I did, he directs me how many chocolates to bring on my birthday to class, and he would be the one to distribute the "extra" chocolates. I just did like a puppy who would do tricks his master would ask from it. He was like a teacher inside the school for me. I remember only one instance where I got into a fight with him, but I so wanted to make up with him and we did make up quite soon. When there was a circumstance where we had to move to Tuticorin, I refused to come out of this school for this one friend of mine. It was hard for my parents, but I didn't want to lose my only friend, I wouldn't give in a inch for my transfer. There was a year when I was ahead of him in the General Proficiency (I came second). It was no fault of him, he could attend the Quarterly Exam due to illness which worked against his favor and he lost it to me and another friend of mine. He cried a lot, I was just standing there and I wasnt able to console him. I just wanted to give my award to him and move out, I couldn't bear him crying before me. He did get another award, but in one of the photos it can be seen that his cheeks have become red because of crying that evening. I was both dreaded and happy on that day. He used to invite us during lunch time to his house so we can watch cricket matches at his place. We were not allowed to go out of School during lunch unless if you have a gate pass, but we used to sneak past along with the crowd and into his home. he is used to live in the top floor of an apartment near our School. It was funny days, when we had to duck from the watchman of our school from catching us. It was difficult when the only friend who understands you moves away from you. It did happen though, if I remember vaguely after 8th standard, he moved somewhere I didn't know. Probably one of the difficult year for me when he left school, I started to involve myself in other sporting activities as a diversion. It still left a deep scar which still lingers on, I vowed that I would meet him again sometime. Four years passed and his memory was very faint in my brain, time couldn't heal the scar either. The days of internet was growing, my hopes of meeting him grew a lot. I was in my 12th standard, unusually for me there were new friends for me, people started staying with me in my house for studying, those were another set of glory days for me. One day through one of my friends, I heard that he was still in Chennai and they were going to the same coaching center for the entrance exams. I urged my friends to call him to my house (as most of friends were at my house during those days). He did come to my house, with a French beard, my friend was back. I was happy beyond imagination on that day, we watched movies the whole day and enjoyed ourselves. If I remember he came over for couple of more days. I thought I had got my friend back and I can visit him frequently. I heard he got a seat in KMC for MBBS, I was very happy for him, then I become busy with my studies and I couldn't contact him and I lost touch again. This time I was very confident of meeting him again. We had the internet and I had developed lots of friends, this gave me immense confidence. Again the pain sets in, scar becomes bigger now, I still had hope. The friends I had in my college days reminded me of him, they were very understanding, that reduced the amount of pain I had, I was returning to normal. I vowed to fight on, I started asking my college friends who had lots of friends in KMC about him, everywhere I hit a donut. they said they have never heard of a guy like that, it was very shattering, my heart started to sink. Did he go for some other college which I didnt know ? Questions started to pop in and it was quite difficult where I had missed him. Then there was Orkut. I thought this could easily find him because almost everyone was using orkut, so I started searching for him in orkut, I also searched in KMC groups in hope of finding him, again I couldn't find him anywhere. I had to move to Coimbatore for my master degree. The people I met in Coimbatore were just amazing, my stay at 18/11 would be etched forever, I wont forget the people there and the things I had learn't from them, but it did take my mind of Sam. I still had hope of seeing him one day. I get a job in Chennai and come back to Chennai for work. I think during my second year of work, the dreaded news arrived, some of my friends were speaking about old friends and when Sam's name popped up, one of them informed us that he is Dead. What ? Dead ? This cannot be true, this is unfair, ridiculous, I kept on ranting over. This cannot be happening, my friend , he is gone, gone forever. I came to know the reason of death was suicide. Suicide ? Crazy! He was just crazy. Why would a guy like him commit suicide. Heart broken and shattered I start to think about my friend whom I will never see again. I have so much friends around me who have reduced this pain for me. August 1 was celebrated as Friendship day and his birthday was on August 5th. I was thinking about him during his birthday week. I miss you my friend, I ll miss you forever, you will always be a star in the beautiful night sky for me. I dont know if I was his best friend, but he was my only friend in my school days. He will shine on, whenever I watch over the skies, I ll remember him and whenever I listen Pink Floyd's "Shine on you Crazy Diamond", I get reminded of him. Sometimes I just listen to that song forever. I also get reminded of him when I am lonely, it reminds of the days when we were having fun. He was a diamond and a crazy one too, he will shine on forever. The song is dedicated to him.
I found a striking similarity between the photo (especially the hand and finger gesture) of Jason Krejza in 'The Hindu' and the painting of St.John the Baptist by Da Vinci. See for yourselves, very strange indeed.
Its been like that song in the movie "Guna" for me. I decide on some topic to write and ideas start to flow in and I will be thrilled that I am gonna write about such things. Words just flow like the river Brahmaputra flowing throughout the year and it reaches a point where it floods my mind (like Brahmaputra flooding Bangladesh). I decide to write these stuff down in my blog and when I log in to my blog, I lose almost half of the idea about what to write and by the type I am logged in , the idea trickles like water drops trickling in taps in Chennai and When I have clicked the "new post" in my blog , I am almost blank in my mind and I wonder What was I thinking the previous minute. I look bewildered, strange , confused and atlast angry at myself. Its like a memory loss in the movie "Memento". Then I abandon the thought of writing and go through all the blog posts in my blog roll and enjoy and I log out. At the end of the day, I forget to write about the topic I was thinking and the next day, I get all these ideas again and (this post goes on in an infinite loop, so continue reading from the top of the post)
I saw something interesting a week back. A gecko near the tubelight was busy devouring flies. I was watching it for around five minutes and something peculiar. I saw it going backwards , from my point of view it looked as if it was crouching like a tiger. I have never seen geckos going backwards. Can it happen? I have seen gecko running when my father was chasing them with a broomstick, they actually turn around to the direction in which they want to flee and scamper to their safety (or get killed by the beating from the broomsticks) , but I have never seen them take a step backwards. I am not sure if my eyes decieved me. I am not sure if it is possible for a gecko to move a step backwards.
I didnt see it coming , but it hit me like a thunderbolt. It felt as if I am in the middle of a nightmare, and got the dosage twice. I couldnt sleep it off, so woke up at this unearthly hour (3.00 am) as my sleep betrays me to write it off. The events unfurled on 10th July will down in my history books as one of the worst days of my life.
This is probably the first time my professional life clashed with my personal space. I have been in situations like this before, but on previous occassions I was able to diffuse the whole situation by making a compromise on my personal life. This may be the last straw that can be tolerated by my friends. This is what happened, my friends were going to Kerela to attend a wedding, and they roped me in their plans. The first time they asked me, I said no but after further pressure from my friends made me agree to their trip knowingly I had a volatile situation in office. They were all happy , because this is the first time I am going out with my school friends on a trip after my schooling years. Yesterday (10th July) was the D-Day and i had informed a day before that I will not be coming which I feel is a kind of betrayal on my part on my friends, I have not payed any respect to them with respect to their requests. I dont know if they are angry with me or forgive me for my betrayal, but this may have profound effects on my behaviour hereafter. Sometimes it feels better to be a recluse, alone and having no friends rather than face this unsavoury moments in life.
If the above mentioned is like shooting in my leg, the next one was shooting my heart. My foolishness has landed me in trouble with a friend. I am a poor writer, poor communicator through mails and during a mail conversation with one of my friend on 10th July, I have said something which was perceived entirely different. Even though we had a call to sort it out, my heart feels that I am not forgiven by my friend. I sent couple of mails saying sorry but got no reply when I usually get a quick response. I may never get a response and I have lost hope and I am mourning for that.
These two incidents may have adverse behaviour change in my life. I feel like a Dead Man Walking after these incidents. I hope I dont shoot my brains tomorrow as I have a project release tomorrow and I dont want to screw it up.
"Acting like a robot, Its metal brain corrodes. You try to take its pulse, Before the head explodes. Explodes..." -- Megadeth
